Imagining Lunch With Dick Clark

INT. MERCK CAFETERIA, WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.

12:30PM. Merck CEO DICK CLARK enters, selects a few assorted items for lunch, and approaches the counter, where he is greeted by the CLERK.

Merck Cafeteria Clerk: Oh, uh, hi Mr. Clark. OK let’s see, diet coke, turkey sandwich, kettle chips, ooh those are good. Have you tried the angry chili flavor? That’ll be $12.35, sir.

Dick Clark: Just hold on a second there [sends blackberry message to general counsel] ... Hi. No i prefer the unsalted. Better for the ticker. Anyway ... [checks blackberry] ... OK, see, I’d like to structure this transaction so that my lunch buys me.

Clerk: What? Ha, that’s funny. Are you going to pay cash?

Dick Clark: Well yes [gets wallet] ... but I'm going to put some of it on this card. But we need to have the sandwich buy me, seriously. If the lunch buys me I don’t have to share it with Kellogg. I kind of promised Pete half my turkey and swiss, but if it’s not my sandwich, technically I don’t have to give him any. And it’s the last one in the fridge over there. Plus … lets see [checks blackberry] … yes. If we do it this way the calories don’t count either.

Clerk: Uh, I don’t know how to do that. There’s no button for that on the register.

Dick Clark: Just ring it up as you normally would, and I’ll get Bruce Kuhlik down here in a minute to draw up the agreement and rename the sandwich. Oh and I might as well pre-pay for—I mean tomorrow’s sandwich might as well pre-pay for me, right now. That way there’s no confusion. Today's lunch and tomorrow's lunch, all together.

Clerk: I’m sorry, Mr Clark, I still don’t know how we’re going to do this.

Dick Clark: [doesn't answer]

Clerk: Sir?

Dick Clark: Sorry, were you talking to me or the lunch?

Clerk: [sighs] I'm not even supposed to be here today.